When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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