Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
