I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
