He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
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Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
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Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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