I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
