lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
