Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
