It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
