she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
