Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
