Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
