I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
