I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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