Say something about gay babies.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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