Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
