He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
