Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
only if we run a train.
done.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
