I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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