I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
