Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
