One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
