Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Princesses don't give blow jobs
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
