I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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