what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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