Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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