if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
