i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
