alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
