You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
