Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
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while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
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Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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