We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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