So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
