so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
