thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
