He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
