Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
