The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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