cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
