Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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