i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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