...so i touched it.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
home. puking in laundry basket.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
