Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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