i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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