drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
