in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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