Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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