i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
