My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I want her autograph on my taint
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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