No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
