my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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