She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
