Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
