If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
