I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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