Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
