She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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