I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize