i jhust puked up my retainher.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
