Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine