you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
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he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
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That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France